bigger

i don't feel like myself anymore

i don't feel comfortable in my own body

i feel too big, too out of place, too ugly

i didn't used to feel ugly.

pants don't fit like they used to

shirts are tight in the front

necklaces feel like they are choking me

and they used to fit.

i want to feel like myself again

but i've had bad experiences and

i don't want to stop eating again

i don't want to work out four hours a day again

or pass out in the grass walking to school

or throw up sticky water because there is nothing in my stomach.

how do i get better without getting worse?